Tuesday, June 29, 2004

What I want

'They' say, "Ask to receive", "If you don't ask, you won't 'get'. "Be careful of what you wish for... You might get it!".

The premise is - if you don't articulate your wishes, needs, desires, if the cosmos doesn't hear your soul's preferences, you won't allow the delivery/experience of your most cherished wishes to occur. Speak to be heard. Seems simple.

Here's what I want: (my prayer begins here...)

1. I want to write for money, earning enough to make my travel and all my dreams and family's dreams come true; I want this to endure for at least 3 decades.

a. I want to write for people that appreciate my gifts without having to submit a resume.

b. I want to travel and write. I want to write and travel. I want to write about what I discover on my travels.

DETAILS: I want to meet people and tell their stories. I want to get paid for this privilege. I want compensation that will perpetuate this cycle, without financial hardship, with financial comfort, with enough money to support my family's/loved ones' needs and my dreams. (I have restated these dreams to make sure that this is heard, and that nothing of the complete wish is omitted.)

Also, and importantly integral to the above 'wish list'...

A. I want to be healthy, with all the energy, drive and integrity and more to spare to make all my dreams happen, and continue for decades.

B. I want a home to come back to after traveling; I want to share this home with my loved one, as we have discussed - dual studios on the ocean, surrounded by nature, to perpetuate our need for discovery of his science, technology and my art.

C. I want to always continue my education, perpetuate my art practice, and live without fear of poverty, infidelity, inadequacies and ignorance.

D. I want my loved ones to be healthy, happy, and be fulfilled, utilizing their gifts; I want to continue to be active in their lives.

E. I want to continue to laugh, be happy in my activities and pursuits, enjoy my loved ones, friends and family with humility, dignity and joy.

Saturday, June 26, 2004

Chapter Two

The clock was not striking. It slid silently between three and four in the afternoon.

The western window's heat began waking her from the medicated nap she took to suffer the pain. A back sprain drove the slumber, and dreams. She saw herself in a mirror, pigtailed, as in her youth, wearing a zipper on her mouth, eyes shut, hands bound by barbed twine. Too many 'B' movies, undoubtedly.

Giotto was displaying his colours in the background. Azure and gold, the shimmer drove the mood of the vision, which became a painting? a sculpture? To be made... future travels.

The door opened and shut. And opened and slammed closed. She strove to rise from the black corduroy, pressing her wrists deep into the foam of the chesterfield (couch, for those unacquainted with Canadianisms). Marooned on the worn object, the door of her perceived beginnings became locked in the presence of muscle analgesia.

The early 14th C. paintings loomed before her; salivating, she tasted the ingenuity of non-representation. And the archways! What a solution to the conundrum. Get rid of the doors, and everything will be accessible!

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Chapter One

The door was locked from the inside.

Her door did not require a key to open it from the interior of her space. All she had to do was to want to turn the locking device counter clock-wise, and the door would open to her.

Would she find a reason to go out?

Wednesday is wily

Sun wakes
The sleeper
Making a call
change direction
Reading thoughts
Making a way - away
Positive change

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

Sleepy people

Shutting my eyes at 2am and 2pm... Inbetween there are daydreams and nightmares... Finding a rhythm is a puzzle not found. The rut-tut-snoze of daily living is festering my equilibrium.

Doc's offices are not for me. Can do. Will do... Shall I forever be booking referrals, billing, cleaning speculums, ushering the patients, asking personal questions that is not my business to ask...? and an interview on Friday for a 'real job', not just practical slave labour... How shall I convince myself I am the best for the world I do not want to participate in... Begin with the end in mind, so says the self-help books. I am not a self-help aficionado, but I do occasionally flip those self-motivating pages in a browse of mega stores... This line comes from Covey himself, guru of the 7 steps to effectiveness in one's life. So far, his steps have not lead me to the best possible scenario of my dream life. Maybe I need to write the book that addresses my own needs.

So many people to thank...

My dear 'graces' are so patient. My friends and networking contacts have accessed worlds beyond my ability to do so. (I am still trying to understand why and how I fit into these milieus.) My grenouille, a pet.

Still, my groggyness prohibits liveliness and this I must disect. When I know, I can act...

Friday, June 04, 2004


Somebody once said that the way to your heart is through your mind. There is another thought... It is through your stomach? That I could never condone. Somehow, when I heard a true story tonight of loss of a life, the stomach pitched and the mind cornered itself into my heartbeat rhythm.

The story has been told in various ways...

He was on his way to work

It was 5 am

It was a '53 Ausin with a 'death trap' door

He worked as a meat packer or he worked on the railroad

He was a medical student

He had just passed his exams

He was alone

He was with friends

The friends were on the water tower

It was a snow storm

The train was coming

He saw the train and drove into it

He saw the train and jumped out of the car

He saw the train and rolled under it

The train decapitated him

He had a wife

His wife was buying a dress for a party

He was going to celebrate

They had just finished celebrating

His wife had to see the body

His ring was scored with scratches

He had a baby

His baby was 7 months old

He was 32

He was celebrating

He passed his medical exams

It was March 5

He was drunk

He was hangover

He was late

He was dead

He died in the morning

He died on the way to the to work

He died after the party

He died and the world changed

Love is everything?

Love won't cork the bottle

Love won't keep me from not knowing

Heart and mind need to stay together.