vORtEx

Poetic soul, sculptor's sensibilities, abstract thought process, sensual underpinnings, visionary meanderings... I am in a vortex of discombobulation. The equation for making art work with a monetary outcome eludes me. I need help!  Any suggestions that this universe will impart would be welcome. Please write: d_alanna@ yahoo.ca  Thank you.

Trial

This is a test. NO. This is not a test. Pick one. Real, not real. If every experience is a prelude to the next event in one's life, how can each encounter, every conscious act be purposeful and not ambiguous, be the ultimate action of its kind? Everything counts. Everything is a learning experience. Everything must be chosen well. Everything cannot be chosen. There is no choice, only destiny. There is always a choice to direct one's destiny. I am not convinced of any truism. I just keep moving, and sometimes not.


I want direction where I am utilized by the best possible environment. And I am not now. I fear the worst consequences as I am not a numbers person. I do not thrive where numbers are concerned. IF I can delegate that responsibility, I can concentrate on my strengths. Why not?! WHY should I have to numerate?! AND be responsible for other's money?! This makes no sense. I am ridiculously unprepared for this responsibility. I don't want to do it. I must challenge this, resist this power of confusion which draws me to a vortex of poor judgement and stress. I have the power to say no. I know I do. I must remember this simple syllable. NO.

Sign

The computer at work was waiting for the opportunity to cease because I needed a major stress to re-evaluate my situation. Why, when I have just found steadier work, the proverbial rug gets pulled out from my complacency. I was again, yet again unaware of the riddles of work-life, where monetary needs override my artistic persuasions. AND the cosmos never leave me, always striving to make me see myself differently, always setting a trial to overcome. The lost clusters may mean a loss of a job, a job where I have only worked one day. My hope is that I may be dismissed without having to pay for a technician from my earnings.

Cranky

I do not understand the working world as it pertains to me. Temporary employment seems to be my niche at this point in time. A permanent Job seems too permanent, and maybe there lies the glitch. However, steady income is alluring and therefore a goal. I do want a regular paycheck, a dependable monetary source. Hire me! Perhaps too much eagerness is off-putting. Be nonchalant. Be approachable but not desperate. So much to demonstrate. All kinds of software to be 'familiar' with, so many words to type per minute - 60, without mistakes. 'Can-do!' attitude. Multi-task, organization par excellence. Be a 'people-person'. Yes, to all. There is always doubt about me until I start working. Then I become indispensable. Then I have to leave because a holiday has concluded, a sick-day has expired. Then I start all over again. A new job nearly every week. And yet no job at all, because I never stay long enough to be the one, the only, the very one needed to complete the office picture. I can wallow in self pity. Easy to do. Not productive. Pretend I am not worried. Find that job, just waiting for me.

Leave it to me...!?!

Somehow, I have been delegated 'the one' who can...

I seem to be 'the one' who oversees conundrums. I can find out information that eludes others. I can create 'win-win' scenarios where confusion once reined. What do you need? I can find ways to make positive events evolve effectively , rectify misunderstandings.

I have challenged financial institutions to remedy their greedy practices, influenced the change in laws to be inclusive... Somehow, I can. I have the fortitude to forge changes to alleviate pain and enable calm and productivity. However... There is a wide gulf between my active mentoring and financial recompense. Why?! This remains to be a mystery I need to solve... And change.

I never resent the recipients of my work. Yet, I do need to support myself, especially if I am going to continue to assist those that need my help. Charging doesn't work. Kind, cosmos... I need direction! What do I need to do to effect a financial positioning that generates enough money to meet my needs?! Yikes!